San Diego Family Mediation Center

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Sabotaging the Divorce Fantasy – Part I

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I did not coin this phrase, but I do believe in it. I think that many people who come to us for divorce are surprised as the process unfolds. Not only the spouse who may have been caught off guard by the separation, but also the one who initiated the separation.

I think in the midst of raising children, buying homes, losing homes, saving for college, participating in gymnastics and soccer, there is a sense of chaos that becomes the norm. Then, there are the days where you have a moment to think, and all of the chaos is quiet…and you wonder… is this it? Is this my life? Maybe you enter into a mid-life crisis…maybe you don’t… maybe just a state of “what if’s?” What if I didn’t take this path… what if I would have taken a different path? Is this really it?

I think questioning oneself is healthy, and an important part of the process of being a parent, a family and a part of the community you have nestled into. I think we should all question reality more often… I think it is a good way to check in with the universe to confirm you are on the right path, the path you are supposed to be on.

The problem is when you convince yourself there is something missing and whatever it is, it can be found outside your family or your marriage. There may, in fact, be something missing, you may be lonely, you may be sad, overwhelmed and depressed. The problem starts when you begin to think if you could just get out of your marriage, everything will be different, better even.

Taking the marriages that truly do have issues that cannot be resolved out of the equation, I am here to sabotage the divorce fantasy. Maybe you feel your spouse needs to work less and be with the family more, maybe you are upset that your spouse does not help around the house, or help the kids with their homework. Maybe you wish your spouse would go to work… maybe you are the spouse who wishes they could work… here is the problem. All of the things you wish would change, or you fight not to change… WILL change, once you go through the divorce.

Read Part II here.